


Something wretched about this (something so precious about this)

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief abstract mentions of Aaron's abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Robert's shooting, Talking, Tumblr prompted fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 02:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7667191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Robert's too blase reaction of Aaron having wanted to kill him, he starts to doubt Aaron's love for him. This leads to a frank, heartfelt discussion between them.</p>
<p>Based on a tumblr prompt</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something wretched about this (something so precious about this)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is another addition to the prompt fills I'm writing this week. This one is based on this prompt from [](http://www.overlyinvestedinfictionalpeople)@overlyinvestedinfictionalpeople who said this: "Any chance you could write something exploring Robert's too-blase attitude of Aaron having wanted to kill him? He was a little too calm about that fact, to the point where I think it REALLY bothers him (as it should!) but they both avoid talking and thinking about it to their detriment. Robert's afraid to burst the loved-up bubble but in the back of his mind is the niggling thought that Aaron recently hated him enough to want him dead, and he has trouble trusting Aaron loves him now"
> 
> I am so sorry for the wait, love. But I hope this will be worth it.

_‘Oh right, when? When I’d come to; you know, about the time you wish you had killed me?’_

Robert lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, his mind going over and over the argument he and Aaron had had in the back room. _About the time you wish you had killed me?_ He flinched and subconsciously rubbed his chest, where the wound was. A testament to how much his brother hated him; how much Aaron had hated him once—enough to wish that Robert _had_ died. 

He shifted on the bed and lay on his side, facing Aaron. Usually the sight of his boyfriend asleep, safe and peaceful, was enough to calm Robert. Not tonight. The thought kept circling in his head; chasing itself around and around. He knew that Aaron cared about him. Didn’t he? Robert had been told by Vic and by Liv how much Aaron loved him. But he hadn’t been told it by his boyfriend himself. Yes, he knew Aaron cared: he wouldn’t have let Robert in as far as he had if he didn’t _care_ about him. But he had never heard Aaron tell him that he loved him. Not since Robert’s wedding day. And of course the rational part of his mind told him that he had hurt Aaron in unimaginable ways; that he had abused him, had used him, strung him along, threatened him and his loved ones, so what could Robert expect really? It took Aaron a long time to build up trust with anyone at the best of times, let alone when they had done what Robert had done to him. He was lucky that Aaron let him anywhere near him.

And yet, when he was lying awake at three o’clock in the morning, with nothing but his own thoughts and the sound of the pub settling around him, it was hard to keep the voice in his mind at bay that questioned him about Aaron’s love. That was the part that was irrational, Robert knew that in the light of day, when he saw Aaron’s smile, and the spark in his eye. _He wished you were dead once,_ that voice whispered. Aaron’s words when he was tied to the radiator, and then in November when he was released from prison dribbled into his ears like venom: _’Of course I don’t love you. You disgust me!’, ‘I hate you’_. 

Robert’s breath caught and he forced himself to calm down. Focus on Aaron’s lips on his. Aaron in his arms. He and Aaron playing footsie on the sofa or in bed, playful and happy and eventually closer than close. 

He’d file it away, he decided. Under things marked ‘Later’. There was a lot of things there, and all of them, if he ever started to think about it, would send him mad. He and Aaron were happy now. They had made such a domestic life for themselves. They were living together! That was something that Robert never thought he could have, but something he had dreamt of ever since they spent a week together at Home Farm: that realisation that if he didn’t have Jack in the back of his mind telling him what a disappointment he was, he could have left Chrissie. He would have left her and the poisonous Whites, and live with Aaron the way he was doing now. And he was here now. So he told himself to make the most of it. 

He still couldn’t sleep.

****

When he came downstairs, Aaron was already in the middle of his cereal. ‘Alright?’ he asked with mouth full. ‘You don’t usually sleep in this late.’

‘No, I—uh—couldn’t sleep last night.’

Aaron nodded. ‘Thought I dreamt you tossing and turning last night.’ He frowned, eyeing Robert’s red eyes. ‘Why don’t you take the day off today?’

‘No, can’t. I’ve got a meeting with… I don’t know, some guy. Nicola lined him up for us.’ He ambled to the kitchen counter. ‘I’ll need about 16 cups of coffee though!’

‘Yeah, not sure if we have enough for that!’ 

Robert gave a token smile, not really feeling it, and leant against the counter, his back to Aaron. He closed his eyes, then jumped when he felt Aaron’s hands on his back. ‘Hey. You sure you’re okay? Apart from tired, I mean?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

‘’Cause I know I pushed you yesterday, but I needed to know.’

‘Yeah, I know you did.’ He still didn’t turn around. Aaron sighed behind him, and Robert could hear the impatience in it.

‘Alright, well, I’m gonna head off then. See you later, yeah?’

Robert nodded. He listened to Aaron’s footsteps, and before he could decide whether he should have asked for a kiss, Aaron had left. He clenched his eyes shut and waited for the kettle to boil.

****

That night, Robert was quiet. He and Aaron sat together on the sofa and he hardly said a word to him. 

‘Oi,’ Aaron said, elbowing him gently. ‘This was your choice of movie, you know. The least you could do is look like you’re payin’ attention.’

‘Yeah, sorry.’ He sat up straighter. ‘My mind was somewhere else.’

‘Yeah, tell me about it. I heard Jimmy today, saying that you weren’t yourself. Must be bad for _Jimmy_ to say something.’

Robert shook his head. ‘It’s nothing.’ 

_I don’t know if you love me_. 

He took a deep breath. ‘Actually, I’m not really watching this. I’m gonna head up to bed.’

He felt Aaron’s eyes on him as he made his way to the door. He wished Aaron would call his name, tell him not to go, ask what was wrong. Anything. Anything just to show Robert that he loved him. Anything to stop that murmur in his head _‘You wish you had killed me.’_ But he didn’t, and Robert went to bed. He spent half an hour lying awake, and the rest of the night pretending to sleep, listening to Aaron breathe beside him. 

The next morning, he dressed and left before Aaron woke.

****

‘How long have you been here then?’

Robert looked up from his computer to find Aaron looming over him. ‘Since this morning.’

‘You were gone when I woke up. I asked Mum if she’d seen you; asked Liv. What are you doing in the café this early? We have coffee and food at home.’

He gestured uselessly to his computer. ‘I needed to get on with some work. I know you hate it when I work in bed.’

‘Yeah, well you could have left a note or something.’

Robert grimaced. ‘Sorry, Baby. I didn’t think.’

Aaron sighed. ‘Well I’m here now, I may as well buy somethin’ as well.’

He reached for his wallet, but Robert jumped to his feet. ‘I’ll get this. Tea and a bacon butty, yeah?’ If they had been alone, or had Aaron been more comfortable with it, Robert would have kissed him then and there. He settled for touching Aaron’s arm.

He had to stop this, he told himself. He had to stop distancing himself from Aaron. He loved him and he didn’t want Aaron to think that he didn’t. _Be better than this,_ he told himself. _I love him. Don’t let him think otherwise._

****

Robert drove up to the portacabin at 5pm. He had texted Aaron on his way there, telling him that he’d take him out to dinner. He had done a good job of pushing all of those little niggling thoughts to the back of his mind today, but nearing the portacabin and seeing Aaron’s car… they all came flooding back. _Just do something,_ he pleaded silently, as if sending his thoughts telepathically to his boyfriend. _Do something or say something so that I know I can trust that you love me now._

… _‘Should have done the world a favour and dropped dead.’_

Robert shook his head free of the memory. Aaron in the courtroom, looking so blasé about why he was there in the first place, not caring that he was on trial for Robert’s shooting, not caring that Robert could have died; that his heart _had_ stopped, wishing that Robert _had_ died that night. God, Aaron had hated him so much. How could he trust that all of those thoughts had dissipated now? He couldn’t. Not until he got a sign. _Do something,_ he pleaded again. _Something, anything. Let me trust you. Please._

‘You alright, mate?’

Robert’s head jerked up. It was Adam. A lump caught in his throat but he forced himself to speak around it. ‘Is Aaron there?’

‘Yeah. Aaron!’ Adam shouted through the door. ‘Lover boy’s here!’ 

‘Shurrup!’ 

Robert couldn’t help the smile when he heard Aaron’s voice. God, he loved him. He loved him so much he physically couldn’t encompass it sometimes. He knew then that even if some part of Aaron still hated him, Robert could never ever let Aaron go. He’d fight and fight for Aaron’s love, even if Robert wasn’t worthy of it: that was how greedy he was. 

Aaron shambled out of the portacabin in his customary hoodie and black jeans. ‘Alright?’ he nodded at Robert.

Adam rolled his eyes. ‘Well give him a kiss then!’

Aaron shook his head at his friend who wandered back to his desk, and Robert smiled warm-heartedly at Aaron. He got something of a grimace back. 

‘You feelin’ better?’ Aaron asked.

‘After this morning, you mean? Yeah.’ He wasn’t. If anything he felt worse, but he wasn’t about to let Aaron know that. ‘Ready for dinner?’

‘Mhm.’ He dismounted the steps and stood there swaying for a moment. Robert couldn’t keep his eyes off him. What if he didn’t love him? What if he never would? The thought made his heart clench and his scar stung. He resisted the urge to rub at it, knowing that it would just make Aaron worry _(would it?)_ and instead nodded to his car.

‘I’ll drive. We can pick your car up later.’

****

They sat in a modest restaurant, Aaron studying the menu and Robert trying not to study his boyfriend. 

They ate in relative silence, broken only by Robert asking if Aaron’s food was alright, and then again to order another glass of water and a pint for Aaron. Robert insisted on paying and Aaron huffed about it, and then they left.

Sitting in the car, Robert felt Aaron’s eyes on him. ‘Pull over here,’ Aaron said suddenly.

‘What?’

‘Pull over.’

Robert did and immediately directed a concerned look at his boyfriend. ‘What’s wrong, Baby?’

Aaron unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face him properly. ‘I could ask you the same thing. You’ve been weird all day. And all of yesterday as well. What’s going on, Robert?’

‘Nothing.’ Robert looked away.

‘No, don’t give me that! I let it go yesterday morning ‘cause I know how you get when I push you to talk. But I’m done now.’

Robert’s heart sped up, fear rushing like adrenaline through his veins. ‘Wh-what? What d’you mean?’

Aaron stared at him. ‘See! Like this: sometimes I say something and you think that I don’t want you to be here.’

‘Well we’ve done that dance quite a few times since we got together.’

‘I know.’ Aaron nodded. ‘I know we have.’ He sighed. ‘So why have you been a bit off these past few days,’ he said. 

‘Off?’

‘Just a bit… distant with me.’ He swallowed and looked down to his lap. ‘Is it something I’ve done? Or said?’

Robert’s eyes widened and he grabbed Aaron’s hand in both of his. ‘No! No of course not.’ Even though not strictly true, the last thing Robert wanted was for Aaron to think he’d done anything wrong. This was all Robert, and his messed up mind. ‘It’s just me, that’s all. I’ve got some stuff I need to work through. In here.’ He touched his temple.

‘Well then talk to me!’ Aaron exclaimed, his eyes laced with sorrow. ‘That’s what I want from you, Robert: to just talk to me when you feel this way.’

‘I know. It’s just,’ he sighed deeply, from his toes all the way to his lips. ‘We’ve been doing so well recently. For us, anyway. I’d just rather sort through things on my own.’

‘Does it involve me? This stuff you need to sort through?’

Robert opened and closed his mouth a couple of times.

‘So it does?’ Aaron ran his free hand through his hair. ‘I should’ve known really. The way you didn’t speak to me, avoided me in the morning.’

‘That was never meant to happen!’

‘Well what _was_ meant to happen, Robert?!’

‘I don’t know!’ The shout echoed around the small space of the car. He sighed again. ‘I don’t know.’

They sat in silence, the sun beginning to set over the trees. The orange light painted Aaron’s face and hair. Robert thought he looked beautiful. ‘I love you,’ he whispered.

Aaron swallowed. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

Robert hung his head. 

‘Is that what this is about?’ Aaron asked quietly.

Robert shook his head and looked his boyfriend in the eye. ‘I don’t mind that you haven’t said it back,’ he said. ‘I really don’t. I know I did some despicable things to you, Aaron, and so I know where I draw the line.’

‘So… if it’s not that, what is it?’

It was now or never. And Robert knew that if he said nothing, Aaron would let it go because he would have had enough. They could go back to the way they were, but it’d be ten times worse, because Aaron would know that Robert was keeping something from him, and Robert didn’t in all honesty think he had the strength to keep it all contained, now that they had come this far in revealing it all. 

He let out a breath, slowly. Aaron shifted in his seat, as if readying himself. ‘When I told you about Andy,’ Robert started. ‘I said something: you wishing you had killed me when I came out of that coma.’

Aaron flinched.

‘That… it’s just… it’s right there. At the front of my mind. And I know that it shouldn’t be, but… what if some part of you still wishes I had died? What if you can never love me the way I love you?’

He was crying, but he didn’t care. He had never been this open with anyone. Not until Aaron. Aaron had a way of bringing out the most vulnerable side of Robert. 

Aaron’s breath hitched. ‘You actually think that? You think that I want you… Robert, I let you into my bed! I let you in when I avoided everyone else.’ 

‘I know you did.’

‘So, what, does that count for nothing?’

‘No, of course not. I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘So, what? You don’t trust me? Think I’m gonna suffocate you in your sleep?’

‘No! You’re being ridiculous!’

Aaron was shaking, Robert could feel his hands trembling. ‘No, I let you in! I told you the deepest secret about my past! The thing that makes me hate myself, and you think that because I wanted you dead once, means that takes away from what we share now?’

‘It was sending me mad, Aaron! The thought of you wanting me dead last year! I convinced myself that you didn’t love me.’

‘You know I do! I don’t say it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it! Robert, we’ve been through so much, you and me. I didn’t think we’d ever be _here_.’

‘What, arguing in my car?’

‘Well, maybe not that. I know we’ve done that before, or something like it, anyway. No, I mean, _here_ , in this place, where we talk about loving each other. I can’t… I don’t say the words easily. To anyone. But the thought of you, dead...’ His lips trembled. ‘I held Dan’s coat to your chest, Robert. I felt your blood on my hands, I watched your face.’ He inhaled shakily. ‘And, yeah, I hated you as well. I hated you so much for getting under my skin, and making me feel something for you. And I wanted you dead.’ Robert’s breath hitched and he looked away, but Aaron’s hand clutching the back of his neck brought him back to him. ‘But I’ve never _ever_ felt for you the way I’ve felt about anyone. I know I don’t say it, but you have to trust that I feel for you what you feel for me.’

They were the words that Robert needed. Confirmation of Aaron’s feelings about him, of Aaron’s _love_. He surged forward and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. They were both breathless by the time Aaron gently pulled back. ‘Here?’

‘Here.’

****

It made them feel like it was last year. Making love in the car, Aaron on top of Robert, moving above him, declaring what he couldn’t voice yet in his gasps of Robert’s name, in the kisses pressed to Robert’s shoulder.

This was so different from last year, though. Robert didn’t shy away from holding Aaron’s eyes with his own, watching him come undone, telling Aaron he loved him over and over as Aaron spilled between them. And then he clutched Aaron to his chest and Aaron clenched his hands around Robert’s back, neither of them wanting to move.

Aaron moved his kisses from Robert’s neck to his jawline to his ear. ‘Are we okay?’ he whispered.

Robert nodded firmly. They had to be; he didn’t think he could live without Aaron, and he trusted now that Aaron felt the same.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)Port in a Storm
> 
> Title is a line from 'From Eden' by Hozier


End file.
